There isn’t a depressed or struggling person alive who doesn’t think some part of their problems – some part of why their life is as it is, and they are as they are – is the fault of their parents. In a world where so many struggle with esteem issues, and confidence issues, and love issues, the easiest to blame is also the most obvious to blame: their parents.
Because their parents suck. And here’s why…
Cause for many teens and children, and of course so many adults, the greatest obstacle to them just being a normal and happy person IS their parents.
Not actively. But emotionally.
The things they said to them or still say to them.
The things they did to them or still do to them.
The love they never showed them or will never show them.
And so slowly or very fast, they develop a quiet or pretty damn obvious resentment or hatred of the people who raise them, and the way in which they do or DO NOT do so according to the ways in which they think they should.
And in many ways, and in many cases, it’s deserved.
It’s well fucking deserved.
But I think that one of the greatest causes of our broken homes and broken minds; of the anger and sadness so many accept as their normal way of life, and the inadequacy and helplessness they learn so young, is not the conditions or circumstances of their childhood per se.
It isn’t necessarily what their parents do to them, or never do with them. Nor is it entirely the restrictive rules they may establish (that traps kids or demeans them), or the discipline their parents might force (that hurts them or embarrasses them).
It isn’t always the cutting words their parents say, or the lack of love they show. It isn’t just the times they go too far, or the occasions they fail to go far enough.
In fact, it isn’t really their parents at all.
It’s their expectations.
It’s the expectations they place on the homes their parents provide, and on the quality of their parents in general that will - in many ways – ruin their lives.
It’s their refusal to accept that their parents might just be bad parents.
“I Hate My Parents”
It’s something no small amount of kids say every day amongst their friends, or quietly to themselves. It’s what so many adults too will tell their therapists, or whisper in the back of their minds.
“And all this, and all of me, is their fault.”
Their parents.
They think their problems are their mistakes, and that their lives are their doing.
They think their lives sucks because their parents were too rigid or too callous, too authoritative or too distant; that they never listened or understood; they never respected or connected.
They made no effort to comprehend the world in which the kid or teen lives – the pressures they feel and the fears they keep.
And they never, ever realize the effect that their actions have on those they’re supposed to support - not just today, but every day hereafter.
Just bad parents.
And yet, those aren’t even the worst of their kind. That’s just the norm. Because that leaves out those parents who TRULY don’t care - the alcoholic parents, the addict parents, the ones who beat the crap out of their kids, or abandon them to selfishly live their lives by their own desires.
Truly horrible parents.
But…are they supposed to be better?
There are many broken homes like this, led by mothers and fathers who have no clue how to raise children, and no concern for the damage their actions cause and the tortured futures their children will surely endure as a result of the behaviors and beliefs they learn in that home, by their actions.
It’s so damaging to these children because they expect better. They expect to be loved and cared for, praised and supported. They expect their mothers to be Moms, and their fathers to be Dads; to be there for them and help them, to get along, to make it work, to be the parents they see in other homes – their friends’, the neighbors’, or on TV. They expect their parents to provide a stable life, and the conditions for a promising future, whether it’s difficult or not, whether they CAN or not. They expect a real home, where there is food on the table, and laughter in the air; where they aren’t yet burdened with the stresses and realities of adult life or the abuses and neglect of lesser homes.
Cause kids just wanna be able to NOT care about such things; to be free to wake up every day with no concern about how they will eat or where they will stay; when their father will stumble home, or if he’ll come home at all. They want to live as others live. They want to be a kid while still a kid and a teen while still a teen.
They want a family. They EXPECT a family.
But, sometimes…that’s just NOT reality.
As horrible as that is. As painful as that is.
Cause the truth is…
…their bad parent or parents are not capable of providing such a sweet, innocent, and nurturing home in the condition they are in – with the addictions they feed, or the anger they hold; with the abilities they don’t have or the misguided beliefs they’ve been given.
Because parents have problems like YOU have problems. And the origins of their personal failings are the same as those of yours.
It was the company they kept. The experiences they lived. The homes they grew up in. Because we ARE our circumstances – when we know of nothing better.
And so the reality is, that the home you now live in is very likely the same as they home your parents grew up in. Not much different. Not much better.
The cycle’s continued.
Most parents, then, are simply broken people from broken homes, who now use their broken minds to make your broken home.
They are not that person you want. They are not perfect.
They are not your ideal Mom or Dad, and cannot be so, as they are now.
And what’s so difficult to accept is that they will NEVER become the person you would like them to be become simply because you would like them to become it. Because no person can change for another, nor force that change, or will that change for another.
They thyemselves have to change themselves.
And when someone doesn’t WANT to change, or isn’t even willing to admit that something NEEDS to change, nothing will change.
It’s the messed up people they are that’s created your messed up home. And they cannot create a stable home until they create their stable selves.
Your desires DO nothing. Your wants FIX nothing. And in that unrealistic hope that they will somehow wake up different is the sadness you now feel about them and the anger you still hold against them.
The sum of your pain is the difference between your reality and your expectations. (CLICK TO TWEET THIS)
Or, as I said in my previous post on birth parents, “If you expect more than one can give, you will surely receive less than what you hoped.”
And it will hurt. And you will be bitter. And you will be resentful. As you are now. Because you just wish they could be good to you, and loving to you.
But you have to realize…
…that though every child wants a perfect home, our paths in life are different. They just are. And your path has been as it’s been. It is what it is. And it wasn’t your choice to make.
Not all people are meant to be parents, just like not all people are meant to be mathematicians, or whatever else.
And though parenting is much harder than math, and way more complex than math – though it’s in fact the hardest job in the world – it is also (by some horrible reality) the easiest job to get. Assuming you can get laid.
Yet despite how hard it is, and difficult it is, and strenuous it is, nearly every person will accept that job at some point in their life. No resume necessary. No qualifications needed.
No wonder so many people are messed up.
Because does the fact that they were able to MAKE a child qualify them to RAISE one?
Could anything, really, make them qualified?
The answer, of course, is no. Yet for some reason we EXPECT it of them anyway. We expect them to provide a stable home and promising future; to care, and support, and love. We expect them to suddenly and miraculously be better individuals; more responsible and mature, more deserving of admiration or example.
But why should it be like that? Why?
Because they’re your parents?
No fucking way. It’s stupid.
That a boy managed to talk or push his way into the pants of the girl who would become your mother, does not make him capable of being a Father. That that girl was able to squeeze you out of her womb and survive, does not make her capable of being a Mother.
That a sperm finds an egg does not change who we are.
The people you call your parents – the ones you look up to and expect the world of, the ones you blame your problems on, and openly or secretly hate – are just two people who drunkenly, accidentally, or stupidly conceived a child when it was, in fact, the LAST thing they should have ever done.
Because they were not ready. Because likely they would NEVER be ready.
And from that momentary mistake, all your problems and theirs – all that suffering and pain – have arisen.
They weren’t thinking about that, though, when they crawled under the sheets.
They weren’t thinking of the challenges they would face; of the difficulty in raising a troubled son or daughter, of how they would treat you when you did right or wrong, or how they would act when they let you down.
They weren’t thinking of how they would face the bad days, when they’ve worked all day, and slaved all day, and there’s a small spat to deal with when they walk through the door, or more bills to pay than they can manage, or decisions to be made under tremendous stress.
They weren’t thinking that that night would become a lifetime of challenges.
They weren’t cut out for it. Most aren’t cut out for it.
They’re simply bad parents.
They do as they can, as best they can. Or they do nothing at all…
And the broken homes become more numerous. The broken children become broken adults. And the cycle continues.
The unfortunate reality…
…is that these people are no more obligated to provide for you than the law requires. It is not their duty to make you into the man or woman you want and need to become. It was not then, is not now, and will NEVER be.
That responsibility is yours and yours alone, and, because of that, their mistakes are not your handicap, their shortcomings not your excuses.
They will not become the parents you want them to be. So if there are years left to endure in your broken home, then do so with this in mind, and work now to become the change you desire. Your parents likely will not help. But in their actions and behaviors, in their mindsets and their beliefs, is the example you need to become the person they never were.
And what was once a source of pain becomes a source of inspiration.
And your broken home becomes everything you need.
But overcoming that broken home means adjusting your expectations, and coming to terms with the parents you’ve grown to hate.
Because look what your expectations have given you.
You took these people who birthed you, and made into them figures to look up to. They didn’t ask this, and likely didn’t deserve it. And when they couldn’t provide the life you expected, you transformed that disappointment and letdown into the anger and resentment you feel now.
But the world will feel it too, if you don’t realize your mistake.
Your future spouse will feel it.
Your future children will feel it.
And then YOU perpetuate the cycle. YOU become the problem. YOU become what you hated the most.
So lose the expectations you place on your parents. Raise the expectations you place on yourself.
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Share your thoughts below. And share the article if you enjoyed it.
Iv’e never had another adult express the same feelings and thoughts about my parents before. This writing was eye-opening and at first made me so sick to my stomach with sadness because it is true. I do place responsibility upon my parents for raising me correctly and they way i wanted simply because they are parents. I realize now, that it is not truly all of their fault they fail at parenting but it was their parents as well. A continuous cycle I suppose. I know this is going to sound really depressing but sometimes they make me feels so angered and sad they I do wish I was never conceived. Is that selfish? I don’t want to become my parents and never achieve any goals in life. Then take out my anguish and bad experiences from my childhood on my future kids if I chose to have any. All because of their stupid mistake I’m here and miserable. I’m pretty optimistic, so I know I’m not suffering from depression to badly. It’s there. I choose to overcome it one day at a time though:0 Thanks to this, it helps that I am not alone on this subject.
Damn, thanks so much, Jasmine. Glad you found it when you needed it. Its definitely common to just wish you hadn’t been born when you see the damage they’ve done, or feel like you’ve only ever been a burden to them. Screw that, though. Just keep working on yourself. Just keep working towards becoming the person they never were to you. Like the article says, use em as motivation, not an excuse. Good luck.
Wow. I never thought of it that way. I always just thought that they didn’t understand me because they had no interest to. I didn’t think that they could be this way because of their parents. However, even if I understand their problem my anger refuses to go away. Am i being unfair? I mean, I know that I expect them to be able to make us a family, like the ones we see on the television, and I know that when they don’t I just feel so resentful towards them. Thanks, though, Adam. This was a major eye opener.
Jaydene, thanks a lot, and you’re totally right being angry. Cause no matter what the reason for them being they way they are or behaving the way they behave there’s still the fact that you’re their kid and they don’t care. But what’s the use of that anger though? If its just to complain and yell and treat them just as horribly and blame them for all your problems, then it has NO use – except to make your situation worse and your self worse. But if that anger with them, or dissatisfaction with them, is used to improve your self instead, and say “I won’t be like them. I won’t let how they’ve raised me be a hindrance to me,” then you’ve learned all you need – and in a strange way its the best lesson they could have given you. Take responsibility then. Use it all as motivation, not excuse.
It would be nice if they had all the magic answers and gave us the life we think we deserved, but you’re right: parents are just as lost and confused as the rest of us.
Yup. No one’s cut from a different cloth.
Dear Adam,
Your post is a wonderful read, which will humble the youth and help them respect their parents more. After all, the youth will always owe its parents. I give thanks that there are people like you concerned about the issues of teen depression.
But this post deals with only half the problem. It is great advice indeed for the youth to expect less from parents and more from themselves and motivate them to go forward. However, is it wrong to expect to at least not get punched in the face/beaten up everytime a. a child scores less than what parents expect of them in an exam? or b. when parents come home drunk and want something to vent out their anger to? I don’t mean to make a misunderstanding here, because my parents have never done that to me (i love them
). But what i’m doing here is bringing up the issue of child abuse.
It would be nice if you can distinguish the line between what is tolerable and what is not. Don’t get me wrong here, i’m not saying the contents of your post are wrong. In fact, it’s very useful to teens suffering depression. However, as much as the youth can lower it’s expectations and begin to slowly accept their parents’ shortcomings, there’s always this line which parents should never cross. If I ever came across a child who is physically/sexually/(whatever other form) abused, I wouldn’t tell him to lower his expectations and accept the fact that their parents are doing that to them. I’d tell them to phone authorities. Not to disrespect parents out there though, but seeing as we are dealing with teenage depression (and child abuse is a possible source of it) I feel the need to stress that there are times when protesting against these particular wrongdoings that “cross the line” are justifiable.
Again, and I feel the need to clarify, I am absolutely happy with the advice your post gives the youth, and I would never in any way disrespect/demean you, your post, and your wonderful cause. My comments simply intend help whosoever it may be helpful to.
Wow dude. This comment may be as long as the post, haha.
No worries though. I’m obviously anti-letting-yourself-get-beat-up. The expectations stuff has to do with the idea that they will change or suddenly be the parent a kid wants. NOT that they should just accept whatever’s done to them, of course.
I Really Enjoyed this. Thanks.
May I learn & use this wisdom,
as fast as the speed of Light!
You’re welcome, dude! Glad you enjoyed!
My parents never stopped beating me until I was physically able to defend myself(not hit them back, but hold their hand while beating me – When I was 16). They continuously demoralize me for my achievement – which they call ‘underachievement’ but boast about it to the outsider so that their status is not tarnished.
). But hey, I think to myself – This is life, and people judge you only by you and I try to achieve more success in the future.
I’ve been beaten with a shoe in front of two other family in a tour for no apparent reason(they were angry with something ) and this had left a mark on me which will not heal. I was 4000th rank among 800,000 students and my parents still think I am muck.(within 5000, you can get whatever dept you want for college). Once my results came out , they even spit at my face and told me to go beg and study for college and my father still isn’t paying my tution but my mother is.
They do understand blah blah is only true in some cases Mr.Adam. My whole childhood has many such incident although I am not even sure you will read more.(It will go for like 20 pages
Wow, dude. Sounds like you have a pretty good attitude about some pretty shitty treatment of you. Keep killing it in school. And do it for You.
hell yeah! my parents are walking angery zombies with terrible anxiety issues, so i guess i just need to accept that they have no fucking idea either, hmm now im going to go live my life
Haha zombies. Nice dude. Glad you liked it.
Real neat article, thanks! Also, do you always say dude?
Haha. Of course, dude…
Nice article, i was shaken a lot as a child and hit in my sleep for not saying hello to my mother boyfriend, havn,t seen her for six years but she has flowen from nz to uk were im living , will see her tomrrow and tell her she was a bad parent , but will woek on myself , expecatations. Thanks
Damn. That’s a long trip to hear that. Thanks for checking out the article, Alex.
If we are honest, most people are mentally limited, emotionally crippled, psychologically weak and have very little forthought. They just should not breed or parent – the only reason it’s accepted is because ‘everyone does it’. Would it really be so terrible if 90% of the people born to shitty, dull lives with no prospect of serious growth had never been born?
I am not an anti-natalist in principle, but given the sheer amount of worthless toolbags in the human race I can see a good argument for it. Shitty people (i.e., most people) are not capable of raising good children, and they should be castigated when they do breed irresponsibly.
I appreciate the first mention of worthless toolbags on this site.
really a very nice article..
Super thanks.
Good stuff. The problem arises when parents really cross the line and it’s not bad parents, but abysmal parents. EVIL parents for lack of any better description – parents that unconsciously turn their children into THEIR OWN NEGLECTFUL PARENTS! Parents that openly show their children pornographic material, raise them in utter filth on all levels. Not clear how to recover from THIS. The thing is, You EXPECT some extremely minimal degree of caring. Not Donna Reed – Family Affair ridiculous, but SOMETHING! SOME KIND OF SHRED OF CARING! NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK, SOMETHING! To not even get THAT is a cold fucking shot. It really is. What it does is annihilate your sense of self, you think that you’re entitled to some minimal degree of comfort on planet Earth. Maybe not.
Yeah definitely. But unfortunately that’s not the world we live in, and some aren’t even given that minimal degree of comfort. And when that’s the case – and so long as they weren’t pushed off the ledge into complete insanity – what else can they do but look towards themselves for that comfort? I dunno. It’s tough.