Life is tough. That shit should be obvious. Sometimes it even kinda sucks (shocker). But, are we really destined for pain and sadness (like some emo singer might say)? Is pain really inevitable..?
When I emerged from that darkest period of my life – from my teen depression – what I realized, and what freaking shocked me even – was that my depression should have been as expected as night or day.
Cause with how I was, how I lived, how I believed, I was always destined for depression. And anyone who lives now as I did then, is in for much the same…
It wasn’t till after, though, that I saw it. It wasn’t till I had reached bottom that I realized it. It wasn’t till then, as I laid in bed at night, pretty much disgusted at what had become of my life – at what had become of me – feeling so freaking messed up, and fragile, and hopeless, that I realized just how inevitable it all was.
Not in the “life is pain, living is suffering, the world is darkneeeeeess!” kind of way.
I wasn’t Sauron or whatever dark, evil being, dude.
What I mean, though, is that as you are now, with whatever Self you call your own, and in whatever state of mind you now exist, you have a certain inevitability, a certain destiny, a certain future that is linked to that type of thinking.
Most people just hope to get through life avoiding as much conflict, struggle, and heartache as possible. They fear it like the plague, and avoid it like a leper in the street. The avoidance is due to the fear, though. They fear what’ll happen if that mystery does come to pass – whether they’ll make it through, and of course, whether their life will change.
But when my fears of what would happen to me came to pass, my fears of what would happen in me came to life.
I couldn’t take it. I wasn’t ok. My life did change.
And I wasn’t prepared for its effect on me.
And so when I laid in bed sad and pissed at life, at everyone, at the thought that I just couldn’t break the depression I felt, I often told myself that if only I had done this or that differently I wouldn’t feel this way. If only X and Y hadn’t happened I’d be happy.
What a fucking lie.
The truth is…
I wasn’t prepared for what happened to me, but really I wasn’t prepared for anything that may have happened.
And so even if I could have heroically changed what had been done, it wouldn’t have changed who I was inside.
It wouldn’t have changed the lack of self-esteem or belief in myself.
It wouldn’t have changed the general sadness I had felt even before the events which so freaking ruined me.
It wouldn’t have changed my response when NEXT my will and strength were tested.
It wouldn’t have changed me.
Only I could do that.
Realize, then, that when you are anything less than strong internally, you leave yourself at the whim of whatever may befall you in life. And something will surely befall you – be it the loss of a job, a spouse, a friend, a life.
When you are less than strong internally, EXPECT sadness; expect that anything at any time may make you as I was then. Your self-esteem, your beliefs, your expectations are a grenade with the pin pulled.
…when I did emerge from that dark time, I knew – and had to admit to myself – that it was meant to be, that I deserved it, even.
Cause what else should I have expected than what I received?
My depression was inevitable. My pain was inevitable.
I was weak of mind, with little to no internal strength. With the beliefs I held about myself, and life, and all those around me, what I experienced was destined. There was nowhere else that life could have led. I was always heading towards that disaster, and if it didn’t happen then, it would have happened later, at the next crisis.
Because the poorly built house has to fall eventually. It may weather a storm, or two, or three, but each is as the end of the world, and there’s always a stronger storm to come.
My life, then, would have surely gotten worse, if it didn’t soon get better – if I didn’t realize then and there that so long as I remained weak, and sad, and a loser, my depression would only get stronger, and my Self would only become worse.
So for me, I had to go through it. I had to realize that. I had to feel what I felt before I could learn what I learned.
You needn’t though.
You can be better.
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