Most people just don’t care enough. They don’t want it enough. It’s not important enough to them. That’s the truth. Eff what they they might say or tell you…
Because the weirdest thing about change is that most know they need it. But, do they do anything about it…?
And it’s not as if they don’t see it. One can’t help but see their own depression or disappointment in life. Because of all people, it’s they who live with it every day. It’s they who feel the pain and suffer the consequences.
But when that discontent stares them closest in the face; when it’s not simply a background sadness, but something tangible and real in front of them – like when they’re handed that failing grade, or when they’re rejected by that cute girl, or when they can’t quite close that last button on their clothes – they likely do nothing about it.
But even worse than that, they FEEL nothing about it.
Nothing that will compel them to change it, at least.
Because, for whatever reason, they’re used to it. Because it’s just another disappointment in a long line of disappointments. Because in many ways they had already resigned themselves to that outcome and expected no more.
And so when that failure happens it does hurt, yes, but no more so than all the countless other little things that create the sum of their sadness in life.
Just another disappointment to throw on the pile. Another reason to be sad. One more piece of proof that they’re not good enough, or smart enough, or able enough.
But one of the reasons they’ve allowed this existence at all – and will likely continue to allow it – is because they’re so capable of taking these many disappointments as if they were acceptable.
Like it’s okay they’re unhappy.
Like it’s not a big deal that they’re failing themselves.
Like a boxer knocked to the canvas – unable to get up or stand up in the face of that onslaught – but entirely willing for some reason to sit there and continue getting punched again and again; to take another hit and another hit, made bruised and battered, but never willing to do anything about it.
Never able to fight back.
Never reaching the point where they say…
But that’s how you change though. That’s the point you need to reach. That’s the point that was so difficult for me to reach, and - in many ways – still is.
Because I don’t usually get angry about anything. I’m not a yeller or a screamer. And even in my depression – though emotional and moody – I was still relatively tame compared to what others might be.
And so I was able to sit there and take it. I was able to shoulder those burdens and carry that disappointment – never finding the straw that would break my back.
I just took more and more of that discontent upon me, and with each failure that new amount of burden became the new normal.
I accepted more and more disappointment as “okay”; as just who I was and what I was.
But that just proved how much I didn’t care; that though I knew what I wanted in life, I didn’t want it bad enough.
Not enough to get mad. Not enough to get angry. Not enough to finally do something about it.
But the thing is, you NEED to get mad. You NEED to be angry. Your situation NEEDS to piss you the fuck off.
Because if there’s anything in life worth getting angry about, getting pissed about, it’s the reality that you are not who you are capable of being; that you’re not who you’re meant to be.
That shit pisses me off a lot. Not failure itself. Not simply NOT having what I want or think I deserve. But not being my best self. Not stepping up. Not TAKING what I know to be mine. Not DOING what I know I must do to become that person I imagine.
That shit infuriates me.
That anger at myself and my actions ensures that next time I’ll be better. Next time I’ll DO better.
And that’s how change works. A long series of failures, and anger, and learning.
Because when something causes in you a strong enough emotional reaction, your mind learns that it must do what it can to avoid that feeling again. And so it fixes those mistakes you made until the source of that distress no longer exists. And suddenly you’re better.
Suddenly you’ve “changed”.
…their anger is so great, and their disgust with themselves so immense, that it causes in them an instant change – like a smoker who quits overnight, so disgusted he is with his habit. Or a fat dude who never touches fast food again, so disgusted he is with his self and his appearance. Or some white-collared drone who snaps and walks out on the job, never to return.
Such is possible if the pain is great enough, and your anger strong enough.
But it’s more likely, though, that your change will instead be some form of gradual, where you’ll have many points of anger and correction, of failure and learning. You’ll have a few (or many) times more of disappointment in yourself and in your actions.
Like I do.
But you can do what you can now to get angry about it. You can do what you can to get mad.
I’m not suggesting that you yell and scream at other people. I’m not suggesting that you throw a TV out a window or something.
I’m saying stop accepting your worst self. Stop being okay with being less. Stop sitting there on the canvas getting punched in the face.
Get Angry, Get Mad
Feel the pain, and the sadness, and the utter disgust with who you are and have become and direct it towards the elimination of that which caused it.
So yell if you need to, and cry if you want. But cry till it hurts; till the anger is so great that it causes in you a change. Till the pain is so much that your mind says: “Fuck this. Never again!”
Cry till your mind realizes that failing yourself again is far more painful than whatever pain may come from doing what’s right.
When you’re angry about the right things, and your anger is strong enough, you’ll FORCE yourself to change..
And you’ll soon find that you have a lot less to be angry about.
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