Whether their desire’s to change their lives, or change changing themselves, most people just don’t care enough. They don’t try enough. They don’t want it enough.
When faced with a lifetime as they are, as they live, they’re not willing perhaps or able maybe to get so angry, so frustrated, so furious even, that they’d do anything to be and become better…
Change is weird like that. People are weird like that.
That we could know we need to change, yet do nothing.
That we could hate our circumstances, yet do nothing.
That we can – everyday – see, experience, and live with the consequences of our lives and selves – with the disappointment we feel, and shame we hide, and yet do so little to change it, to change our lives, to change our Selves.
Despite our feelings towards it.
Despite our insecurities of it.
Despite knowing with every fiber of our sorry being what it is we need to change, and that it needs to change.
And yet, you’d think that’d be enough; that that suffering would be enough; that that pain would compel us, force us to – finally – do something, do anything.
But it doesn’t.
So often it doesn’t.
Except…it’s not that unusual. Not that extraordinary.
Cause most are like this, really. And most all are like this for a time at least.
And for whatever reasons, or because of whatever influences, we just get used to it – the pain, the disappointment, the shame in ourselves and our lives – at those things that aren’t representative of the best we can be, and the best we should become.
They become normal. The usual. Just who we think we are.
Because it’s just another disappointment in a long line of disappointments. Because in many ways we had already resigned ourselves to that outcome and expected no more.
And so when that failure happens – when we do let ourselves down once more, with the diet we’re trying, or the therapy we’re using, or the goal we’re striving for – it does hurt, yes. But no more so than all the countless other little things that create the sum of our sadness in life.
Just another disappointment to throw on the pile. Another reason to be sad. One more reason to say we’re not good enough, or smart enough, or able enough.
But one of the reasons we allow this existence at all – and will likely continue to allow it should nothing change – is because we’re so capable of taking these many disappointments as if they were acceptable.
Like it’s okay we’re unhappy.
Like it’s not a big deal that we’re failing themselves.
Like a boxer knocked to the canvas – unable to get up or stand up in the face of that onslaught – but entirely willing for some reason to sit there and continue getting punched again and again; to take another hit and another hit, made bruised and battered, but never willing to do anything about it.
Never able to fight back.
Never reaching the point where we say…
But that’s how you change though.
That’s the point you need to reach. That’s the point that was so difficult for me to reach, and - in many ways – still is.
Because I don’t usually get angry about anything. I’m not a yeller or a screamer. And even in my depression – though emotional and moody – I was still relatively tame compared to what others might be.
And so I too was able to sit there and take it – to shoulder those burdens and carry that disappointment – struggling forever to find the straw that would break my back. And all-the-while I just took more and more of that discontent upon me.
And with each failure, that new burden became the new normal.
I accepted more and more disappointment as “okay”; as just who I was and what I was.
But that just proved how much I didn’t care; that though I knew what I wanted in life, I didn’t want it bad enough.
Not enough to get mad. Not enough to get angry. Not enough to finally do something about it.
But the thing is…
…you NEED to get mad.
You NEED to get angry.
Your situation NEEDS to piss you the fuck off.
Because if there’s anything in life worth getting angry about, getting pissed about, it’s the reality that you are not who you are capable of being; that you’re not who you’re meant to be.
That shit pisses me off.
Not failure itself. Not simply not having what I want or think I deserve. But not being my best self. Not stepping up. Not taking what I know to be mine. Not doing what I know I must do to become that person I imagine.
That shit infuriates me.
That anger at myself and my actions ensures that next time I’ll be better. Next time I’ll do better.
And that’s how change works. A long series of failures, and anger, and learning.
Because when something causes in you a strong enough reaction emotionally, your mind learns that it must do what it can to avoid that feeling again. And so it fixes those mistakes you made until the source of that distress no longer exists. And suddenly you’re better.
Suddenly you’ve “changed”.
…their anger is so great, and their disgust with themselves so immense, that it causes in them an instant change – like a smoker who quits overnight, so disgusted he is with his habit. Or a fat dude who never touches fast food again, so disgusted he is with his self and his appearance. Or some white-collared drone who snaps and walks out on the job, never to return.
That kinda instant, immediate change is possible if the pain is great enough, and your anger strong enough.
But it’s more likely, though, that your change will instead be some form of gradual, where you’ll have many points of anger and correction, of failure and learning. You’ll have a few (or many) times more of disappointment in yourself and in your actions, of saying “wtf? never again”.
Like I do.
But you can do what you can now to get angry about it. You can do what you can to get mad.
I’m not suggesting that you yell and scream at other people. I’m not suggesting that you throw a TV out a window or something.
I’m saying stop accepting your worst self. Stop being okay with being less. Stop sitting there on the canvas getting punched in the face.
Feel the pain, and the sadness, and the utter disgust with who you are and have become and direct it towards the elimination of that which caused it.
Anger not as a weapon, but as motivation.
So yell if you need to, and cry if you want. But cry till it hurts; till the anger is so great that it causes in you a change. Till the pain is so much that your mind says: “Fuck this. Never again!”
Cry till your mind realizes that failing yourself again is far more painful than whatever pain may come from doing what’s right.
Cause when you’re angry about the right things, and your anger is strong enough, you’ll force yourself to change..
And you’ll soon find that you have a lot less to be angry about.
Share and comment below. Or it’ll be me who’s angry.