A Loser at 20, is a Loser at 40

Watched a pretty amazing show this weekend, called Virgin Diaries, about the lives of adult and middle-aged virgins.

Virgin loserAnd to be honest, it was cringe-worthy.  Truly.  Cause these people are walking proof of the cruelest fact of life…that a loser today will be a loser tomorrow, will always be a loser…

Is it harsh saying that?

Yeah.

Absolutely.

But not more so than life itself.

Maybe, though, you’d have to see these guys to understand it.

Cause the dude I saw that day was 36 years old.   And not only had he never been “around the bases”, he’d never even set foot on the field – never kissed a girl, never been kissed, never known what it was like to do anything more than a hug as friends.  And in the last 10 years had won just 1 or 2 dates – though he wanted more, though he was desperate for more.

I very much doubt there was a second date on either occasion.

Cause he’s weird.

He’s lame.

He’s a loser.

It’s something you won’t hear, though, in a great many self-help sites.  But the simple truth is they do exist.  Of course they exist.  We’ve all met them.

And beneath the candy-coated ideals that we’re all wonderful, and lovable, and deserving of only the best, is the fact that some are more so than others, and therefore that some are less so than the rest.

That some are funnier, stronger, more confident, more attractive.

That some are worth more, wanted more, are more.

That some are better.

Of course, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with not having been with a girl, not wanting one, not trying at all.

I’ve never ridden an elephant, for instance.  Nor have I tried that I remember.

Like being with a girl, it’s just something you can maybe, possibly do if you wanted to – like all things.

It can be a choice.

Except that…

That wasn’t his choice, was it?

It wasn’t simply something he never got around to, never thought of, never cared about.

It wasn’t like that at all.

No.

I guarantee you he thought of it.  I guarantee you it haunted him, even – with every woman he saw, with every one he met; with every magazine he opened, movie he saw, porno he watched the thoughts in his head were the same…

That he wanted her.

That he was desperate for her.

But that he’d never, ever get her.

And so there’s an important reason why his virgness (we’re just gonna assume that’s a real word) is the complete opposite of my lack of lifetime elephant adventures.

Because his inability to get one or any lady isn’t just some thing that “just hasn’t happened yet” as some might say; that the right one “just hasn’t come along”.

As if he plum forgot.  As if he could if he wanted to.  As if he’d have done it by now if it weren’t for so much else happening in his life.

No.

It’s something that straight up won’t happen – because of who he is, and who he’s become.

And so, it isn’t just some life choice he’s made.

It’s a choice they’ve made.

Women.

All women.

It’s a reflection of him – his personality, his worth, his value – in a world where we are all, necessarily so, guided by value.

Because – in the strictest evolutionary sense – if no woman will have him, if no woman of all he’s seen and all he’s met so far will have him, then there is no reason for the next girl to have him – to risk her genes combining with his, to risk her looks, her value, 9 months of pain, and 18 years of responsibilities – to raise a child that would only likely be just as lame as him.

Because – in the genetic sense – a man who can’t get a girl is no man at all.

It means his name will die with him.  It means he has no value.  It means his genes will and should be weeded out as inferior, when a gene’s only purpose is to spread and live on.

It means he is – to our species, and to the woman in front of him – worthless.

And that’s why this dude has no confidence.

Cause deep down, he knows it – as any dude would.

He feels it.  Not simply as a desire not met, or a want not won, but as something greater, something graver, as something wrong with him.

A feeling of total unworth.

And every day his “drought” continues his belief in his Self – and his ability to solve this at all – becomes that much worse, that much harder.

Cause the dude’s a loser.

And the amazing thing is…

…that to this dude, it really did “just kinda happen”.

Like the frog in cold but warming water.

Cause this dude was once a kid; once a teenager.  Awkward sure, but not so much more than any other his age, I’d guess.  Not so much different.

And when girls ignored him, or he ignored them out of fear or lack of self-confidence, he told himself: “Ah.  Well, whatever.  It’ll be better in college.”

And in college, when his fears never improved, and his results never changed – when girls still ignored him – he told himself: “Ah, I’m late, but I’m not THAT much later than most.  It’ll be better once I get a job; once I get money.”

And in his 20s, when he had his job, his place, his car, and his fears never improved, and his results never changed – when girls still ignored him – others told him: “Damn.  I guess I just haven’t found THE ONE.  It just hasn’t been meant to be…”

And on and on and on.

Except that now he was beginning to realize, beginning to see – that it wasn’t simply a matter of blooming too late.

It wasn’t his bank account, or car, or the place he lived.

It was him.

The horrible feeling that it’s him.

Because before he knew it – before he realized the seriousness of how lame he had become – he was a 36 year-old virgin, with 7 years between dates, being forced to embarrassingly, and – quite honestly – painfully admit on camera and in front of the world that he was in fact a 36 year-old virgin, now getting advice from such knowledgeable sources on meeting women as his Mom and his nearly as lame friends.

It hurt to watch, as the show forced him to go talk to women.  I couldn’t look even.  My brother couldn’t look.  My brother-in-law couldn’t look.  And any person who watched it surely felt much the same.

Cause it’s not about…

…the girl or the “accomplishment”.

It isn’t about “getting laid”.

Screw that shit.

It’s the feeling this dude must have, and the worth that this dude must feel, because of something he has allowed to happen to himself in his life. 

It’s that it’s come to this at all, when there was no reason it should have or needed to.

It’s that when you watch it, you see that nothing will change for him.  Because nothing will change about him.

He’ll keep doing all the same he’s done.  And he’ll keep receiving all the same he’s received.

Nothing.

Cause he never realized, and still hasn’t realized, something that most others too never realize – when they complain about their lifes, and complain about themselves, yet do nothing to fix it, nothing to change it…

That how you are now, is how you remain, when you do nothing to fix it.  And who you are now, is who you will be, when you do nothing to change it.

That a loser at 15 is a loser at 20.  And a loser at 20 is a loser at 40.  And a loser at 40 is a loser at 80.

And if you’re a loser today – right now – and do nothing, you will die one too.

It won’t change.

It won’t get better.

Life won’t improve at all.  Till you yourself do.

And that’s what’s holding this dude back – that he isn’t his better self, that he isn’t his best self, that he thinks it will get better “somehow” instead of purposely.

But shit doesn’t just change magically.  You don’t just wake up awesome.  You’re not graced with confidence and value from on-high or something – just cause you think you’ve “earned” it, or think you “deserve” it, or think you’ve suffered enough or waited enough.

Life doesn’t care.  It isn’t fair.  And it doesn’t work that way.

Cause who you want to be, is who you must become, to get what you now want.  And who you are now, is what you must change, to end the life you now hate.

And in this dude’s case…genes don’t care about fairness.  And vaginas don’t hand out charity.

___

Share and comment below.  Be cool.

About Adam Austyn

Adam is the founder of, and principal contributor to, The Last Broken Home, a site dedicated to the journey from teen depression to self esteem, as well as the effect, nature, and problems of our youth. If you're cool too, follow him on TWITTER and FACEBOOK!

18 Responses to A Loser at 20, is a Loser at 40

  1. JoAnne says:

    Thank you, Adam. This is really personal for me. I quit dating over a decade ago (No, I’m not a virgin). It’s a mixture of getting away from a bad boyfriend, gaining weight, getting older and being on meds that kill my sex drive that made me lose interest in dating. And I look back and think, it couldn’t have been over 10 years. But it has. And the reason this story resonated with me is, because you know, maybe right now, in my forties, I’m happy being on my own. I really have no problem with it. But your article made my think ahead – DO I want to be alone when I’m 50, or when I’m 60 or when I’m retired and would love a traveling companion? So your article made me think, when I’m 50 or 60, would I wish I had done something different or taken myself out of my comfort zone at 40 to make my later years more fun.

  2. JoAnne says:

    Adam, thank you. You are so inspiring and a neat guy to boot.

  3. Marco Antonio Polo Ospino says:

    This article reminds me some of those american movies where the sexiest guy on the joint gets the girls while losers are nothing but a zero on the left. It just so freaking true .

  4. Jason says:

    You speak the truth and all of it my friend.
    Plus loserdom doesn’t stop there.
    In jobs, friends, in life lack of success with the opposite sex holds you back.
    Being popular with women early on builds self esteem.
    It makes you enjoy life and relish its challenges.
    Lack of success closes you off.
    You exist but you do not excel.

  5. florkos says:

    Hi Adam,

    I think you are harsh.
    I currently reside in China. For political reasons and old traditions favoriting boys over girls, and in spite of all the Chinese authority efforts, the national average ratio men:women of people of our generation is 120:100, and it rises up to 135:100 in some poor rural areas.
    There is also this issue in India.
    Take our generation in China: there will be 20 men who will be bachelors all their life. Sorry to tell you that i pity them, pity their life of heterosexual guys.
    There is

    • Adam Austyn says:

      Dude this has nothing to do with marriage. I’m talking about their ability to meet someone at all; to be desirable to someone at all. George Clooney might never get married. He has no problem being cool.

  6. florkos says:

    I don’t agree with you, you should come here and see what these guys look like, they have nothing to do with Clooney, they are not able to attract any woman, Chinese women talk to them harshly for no reason, and the rest of the time they do as if these guys virtually didn’t exist. But, for me the situation is different: because I have got a white face and have education they are so nice to me, even though they know nothing about me.
    So I agree with you: life is unfair, and there is nothing to do about it, but someimes I feel disgusted.

    Anyway, this TV show about 36 years old old virgin guys brings something positive, at least these guys speak out their problems, and this is the first step to get out of this situation.

  7. florkos says:

    Hi Adam,

    By the way how old are you?

  8. Screen says:

    Not to nitpick, but some people remain virgins for spiritual and other, far nefarious purposes. Not by their choice, of course. They are manipulated since childhood either by their spiritual master or by evil aliens, and have their chakras blocked, usually when entering puberty. Since their perception field is blocked in some ways, they are not able to go through the usual archetypes like most people do. Later in life, when the time comes to play their role, they are being used in black ops in countries where they live. The so-called sleeper milabs. After the change has happened, they go through ‘auric death’, the moment when their aura enters an irreversible collapse.

  9. Dave E says:

    Not sure I agree with this – some of it I do.
    I have felt like a loser and winner at different times in my life. Some lows so extreme that suicide was the 1st option. Some highs so good that I couldn’t believe I was alive and was so glad for it. About 30 years of this.

    In high school I felt that I would be a loser forever. At times as an adult I have felt the same way. The thing is that when you feel like a loser, you look through crap tinted glasses. The effects of negative chemicals in head making everything you think about/see seem like crap (call it what you want – depression, anxiety, etc.).

    When you are happy its the opposite effect – rose tinted glasses. That is why some drugs make you feel so good. They are just chemicals in your brain. Drugs are so addictive because your brain temporarily forgets how to produce the good chemicals and when you go off the drugs you feel ten times worse. Our brains are like sponges temporarily soaking up chemicals.

    So if you change the way you feel, you change your view on life and vice versa.

    • Adam Austyn says:

      Yeah Dave. That’s obviously all true, but not exactly what I’m discussing here. I’m talking about those times you have to be brutally honest with yourself and realize that you don’t just FEEL like a loser, but you ARE one. Maybe you wouldn’t like the term, but let’s be honest, those people exist. It’s about realizing that sometimes how you feel is related to who you are, and that none of us are perfect. There are things we can improve upon. Things we can be better at. Things we can stop being a loser in. And that time doesn’t heal anything or improve anything. We do. Consciously.

      Obviously, “loser” just makes for a better article headline haha…

  10. stan says:

    When I was twenty I had a job car my own place and lots of dates. Through poor choices I found the wrong girl and slowly commited social suicide and now that I trashed my own confidence and secluded so much my social skills have attrofied and my resume looks really bad my question to you is this.

    What does one do to build confidence? How does one not feel like a loser?

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