Watched a pretty amazing show this weekend, called Virgin Diaries, about the lives of adult and middle-aged virgins.
And to be honest, it was cringe-worthy. Truly. Cause these people are walking proof of the cruelest fact of life…that a loser today will be a loser tomorrow, will always be a loser…
Is it harsh saying that?
But not more so than life itself.
Maybe, though, you’d have to see these guys to understand it.
Cause the dude I saw that day was 36 years old. And not only had he never been “around the bases”, he’d never even set foot on the field – never kissed a girl, never been kissed, never known what it was like to do anything more than a hug as friends. And in the last 10 years had won just 1 or 2 dates – though he wanted more, though he was desperate for more.
I very much doubt there was a second date on either occasion.
Cause he’s weird.
He’s a loser.
It’s something you won’t hear, though, in a great many self-help sites. But the simple truth is they do exist. Of course they exist. We’ve all met them.
And beneath the candy-coated ideals that we’re all wonderful, and lovable, and deserving of only the best, is the fact that some are more so than others, and therefore that some are less so than the rest.
That some are funnier, stronger, more confident, more attractive.
That some are worth more, wanted more, are more.
That some are better.
Of course, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with not having been with a girl, not wanting one, not trying at all.
I’ve never ridden an elephant, for instance. Nor have I tried that I remember.
Like being with a girl, it’s just something you can maybe, possibly do if you wanted to – like all things.
It can be a choice.
That wasn’t his choice, was it?
It wasn’t simply something he never got around to, never thought of, never cared about.
It wasn’t like that at all.
I guarantee you he thought of it. I guarantee you it haunted him, even – with every woman he saw, with every one he met; with every magazine he opened, movie he saw, porno he watched the thoughts in his head were the same…
That he wanted her.
That he was desperate for her.
But that he’d never, ever get her.
And so there’s an important reason why his virgness (we’re just gonna assume that’s a real word) is the complete opposite of my lack of lifetime elephant adventures.
Because his inability to get one or any lady isn’t just some thing that “just hasn’t happened yet” as some might say; that the right one “just hasn’t come along”.
As if he plum forgot. As if he could if he wanted to. As if he’d have done it by now if it weren’t for so much else happening in his life.
It’s something that straight up won’t happen – because of who he is, and who he’s become.
And so, it isn’t just some life choice he’s made.
It’s a choice they’ve made.
It’s a reflection of him – his personality, his worth, his value – in a world where we are all, necessarily so, guided by value.
Because – in the strictest evolutionary sense – if no woman will have him, if no woman of all he’s seen and all he’s met so far will have him, then there is no reason for the next girl to have him – to risk her genes combining with his, to risk her looks, her value, 9 months of pain, and 18 years of responsibilities – to raise a child that would only likely be just as lame as him.
Because – in the genetic sense – a man who can’t get a girl is no man at all.
It means his name will die with him. It means he has no value. It means his genes will and should be weeded out as inferior, when a gene’s only purpose is to spread and live on.
It means he is – to our species, and to the woman in front of him – worthless.
And that’s why this dude has no confidence.
Cause deep down, he knows it – as any dude would.
He feels it. Not simply as a desire not met, or a want not won, but as something greater, something graver, as something wrong with him.
A feeling of total unworth.
And every day his “drought” continues his belief in his Self – and his ability to solve this at all – becomes that much worse, that much harder.
Cause the dude’s a loser.
And the amazing thing is…
…that to this dude, it really did “just kinda happen”.
Like the frog in cold but warming water.
Cause this dude was once a kid; once a teenager. Awkward sure, but not so much more than any other his age, I’d guess. Not so much different.
And when girls ignored him, or he ignored them out of fear or lack of self-confidence, he told himself: “Ah. Well, whatever. It’ll be better in college.”
And in college, when his fears never improved, and his results never changed – when girls still ignored him – he told himself: “Ah, I’m late, but I’m not THAT much later than most. It’ll be better once I get a job; once I get money.”
And in his 20s, when he had his job, his place, his car, and his fears never improved, and his results never changed – when girls still ignored him – others told him: “Damn. I guess I just haven’t found THE ONE. It just hasn’t been meant to be…”
And on and on and on.
Except that now he was beginning to realize, beginning to see – that it wasn’t simply a matter of blooming too late.
It wasn’t his bank account, or car, or the place he lived.
It was him.
The horrible feeling that it’s him.
Because before he knew it – before he realized the seriousness of how lame he had become – he was a 36 year-old virgin, with 7 years between dates, being forced to embarrassingly, and – quite honestly – painfully admit on camera and in front of the world that he was in fact a 36 year-old virgin, now getting advice from such knowledgeable sources on meeting women as his Mom and his nearly as lame friends.
It hurt to watch, as the show forced him to go talk to women. I couldn’t look even. My brother couldn’t look. My brother-in-law couldn’t look. And any person who watched it surely felt much the same.
Cause it’s not about…
…the girl or the “accomplishment”.
It isn’t about “getting laid”.
Screw that shit.
It’s the feeling this dude must have, and the worth that this dude must feel, because of something he has allowed to happen to himself in his life.
It’s that it’s come to this at all, when there was no reason it should have or needed to.
It’s that when you watch it, you see that nothing will change for him. Because nothing will change about him.
He’ll keep doing all the same he’s done. And he’ll keep receiving all the same he’s received.
Cause he never realized, and still hasn’t realized, something that most others too never realize – when they complain about their lifes, and complain about themselves, yet do nothing to fix it, nothing to change it…
That how you are now, is how you remain, when you do nothing to fix it. And who you are now, is who you will be, when you do nothing to change it.
That a loser at 15 is a loser at 20. And a loser at 20 is a loser at 40. And a loser at 40 is a loser at 80.
And if you’re a loser today – right now – and do nothing, you will die one too.
It won’t change.
It won’t get better.
Life won’t improve at all. Till you yourself do.
And that’s what’s holding this dude back – that he isn’t his better self, that he isn’t his best self, that he thinks it will get better “somehow” instead of purposely.
But shit doesn’t just change magically. You don’t just wake up awesome. You’re not graced with confidence and value from on-high or something – just cause you think you’ve “earned” it, or think you “deserve” it, or think you’ve suffered enough or waited enough.
Life doesn’t care. It isn’t fair. And it doesn’t work that way.
Cause who you want to be, is who you must become, to get what you now want. And who you are now, is what you must change, to end the life you now hate.
And in this dude’s case…genes don’t care about fairness. And vaginas don’t hand out charity.
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