This Blog is [Mental] Masturbation

Luckily for me, a lot of people who find the site take the time to write me.  Most are simple thanks.  Some, though, are from people struggling, looking for advice on what they should do to get better in life or fix whatever problems they have.

Mental MasturbationDon’t they know, though?  This blog is just my own kinda masturbation (that’s right, we use potty words round here)…

The thing is…I’m not too different from you or anyone else.  Maybe a bit taller.  Probably a bit more statuesque.

Besides that, not so much.

I’ve lived a bit.  I’ve learned a lot.  And I spend some free time writing weird articles for the internet, mostly for my own good.

I wish, like everyone else, that life came with some sweet guidebook – with color drawings, and maps, and diagrams, and some kind of perfect future-telling device or decision-making machine; with some Get Out of Jail Free cards (I could find some uses for those), and some mulligans too (I’d definitely need those).  And, of course, a few extra lives in case this one ends a bit suddenly, or I fuck it up just a bit too much.

But from what I’ve noticed, life doesn’t come with that stuff.

Not any of it, I’m pretty sure.

And without such a sweet life-kit like that, we’re all pretty much left to crawl in the dark of life, trying to find our way, trying to make our way, trying just to make it through a bit better than before.

It gets messy, though.  And we fall a lot.  And hurt a lot.  And struggle a lot.


There’s no blueprint for life, then

No step-by-step process to go from struggling to succeeding; from a loser to a beast; from depressed to so giggly with laughter and smiles that you make people around you wanna puke from your positivity.

There just isn’t.

There isn’t some repeatable and proven science to living like there is to baking a cake, or building an Ikea table, or whatever else that takes something difficult and makes it an achievable thing for even the most incapable amongst us.

That’s not what people want to hear, of course.  And it’s certainly not good for business around here at The Last Broken Home, I assure you.

I mean, I could list some things for sure:

  1. Stop caring what others think.  Try everything to make it so.
  2. Do shit that scares the hell out of you.  Learn from it.  Grow.
  3. Take responsibility for your life and do whatever you need to live the life you want to live – regardless of the sacrifice that entails or the time it requires, the obstacles you’ll face or the struggles you’ll endure.
  4. Be selfish in the realization of those goals; in the process of becoming your better Self, in being who you’re meant to be..

There.  There it is.  Life made easy in 4 easy steps, like the titles of so many thousand crappy blog articles floating their way around the internet (which I can’t fucking stand btw).

Except these tips aren’t easy.  They’re not simple – though I so easily listed them in a few quick bullet points.

They’re very hard, actually.

I promise you.

They’re things people can struggle with for a lifetime and never achieve or even fathom.  They’re things the vast majority of people in the world will never learn, in fact; never internalize; never truly get on an emotional and unconscious level.

A part of them.

A way of living.

A way of being.

And,  of course, they’re not very specific at all.  Not very detailed.  Not very thorough.

Because the specific rules to living don’t exist.

Because the reality is…

…I can’t help you.

I can’t solve a single problem for you, or overcome a single obstacle for you.  Believe me, I would if I could.  And if I could charge for it, I’d do that too.

Mental Masturbation

But this blog is just my own mental masturbation – no matter what my grand designs or hopes for it may be.

It’s just my thoughts on life and family and the world, and the things I’ve done and the lessons I’ve learned in my own continuing journey.

Which is not over.  Which is never-ending.

I won’t be posting “7 Step” articles, then.  I won’t tell you how to solve your family problems, or make 100 friends, or make Mom or Dad love you.  I won’t tell you how you can stop crying at night, or how to be happy all day.

Not that you can’t.

Not that it’s not possible.

Cause it is.

And I believe wholeheartedly that you can achieve a life much more valuable than any of those individual things with the help of The Last Broken Home.  And it’s my hope that you do.

But not because of it.

Not because you take a second to open an email from me.  Or 5 minutes to read an article of mine.

Not because of some words I write.  Or some advice I give.

As if words – mine or any else’s – had some power that you do not.  Or some strength that your will does not.


Your life will change when You change it.  And your problems will be solved when You solve them. (CLICK TO TWEET THIS)

No one else.

Not me or any other.  No matter how wise they may seem or poetic they may be.

Because I don’t know how to solve your life.  Because, in reality, I don’t know how to solve life at all.

I think this site, then, is at its most powerful when it helps you help yourself, rather than when preaching how you must or should help yourself.

The Last Broken Home is about personal accountability, I believe; about taking responsibility for your life, above the opinions of others, or the suggestions of others, and ridding yourself of all the constraints that have heretofore prevented you from being your best self – the family that’s held you back, the cultures that have misshaped you, the religions that have bound you, the friends and strangers that have every day caused in you a desire to be something or someone else.

I don’t want this site to be uplifting, then – I want it to be real.  I don’t want it to be positive for the sake of being positive – I want it to be truth.  I don’t want it to be something you read to get a smile for the day, but something you read to inspire change for the rest of your days.  Not as reassurance that all is well and all will be fine magically – because it’d be a lie – but as reminder: that nothing will be so unless You do something to make it so.

You.  Not me.

You.  Not some blogger.

You.  Not your favorite singer, or athlete, or whoever.

Because these articles are nothing without action – without trying, without applying them diligently to your thoughts and beliefs and efforts.

On their own they do no good.  On their own they can do no good.

Like me.

The articles are just words.

You are your own savior.  You are the hero of your story.  You are the catalyst you’ve spent a lifetime searching for, waiting for, praying for.

I’m just a dude.

I just mentally masturbate on the internet.


Comment and share below.  It’s not often you get to comment on posts about masturbation.

12 Responses to This Blog is [Mental] Masturbation

  1. downfromtheledge says:

    …and thank you for that, because we’ve certainly heard enough 7-step plans for fixing our lives, the “Dream it, do it!” crap that sounds easy enough to be insulting. I actually think people want –THE ANSWERS– less than they want someone to be real with them. But I have a whole new respect for you based on your choice of pictures.

    • Adam Austyn says:

      Haha, the pic was too great. Love that SNL skit. And yeah, I REALLY hate those freakin “7 Step” articles. Obviously, I guess. Too much cliche stuff out there…

      • downfromtheledge says:

        I loved the judge. “Your honor, this is irrelevant.” “I’ll allow it.”

      • Adam Austyn says:

        “I’d rather just confess to the murder…”

        • downfromtheledge says:

          “U up?” “U up?” “U out?”

          and the WalMart one: “whodis?”

          lol…i need more people in my life who watch SNL

        • Adam Austyn says:

          Haha. My brother sent me the whole like 8 text string of “You ups?” and “You outs?” on Saturday night when I was out. So of course I responded “Who dis?” Then I was looked at strange for laughing so hard but whatevs…

        • downfromtheledge says:

          lol that’s awesome…if you can’t laugh so hard that people look at you funny, life just isn’t worth living. 😉

        • Adam Austyn says:

          Agreeeed. Awkward always wins in life…

  2. Val says:

    OH MY, age has nothing on the issues and you commented on my blog in a very scarily timely time. However, when I tried to sign up for your newsletter is was difficult and I had to force it to take my name and email. I’d be glad to help you with this issue with out charge.

    I think by telling your story you are doing a great thing. I also think by telling our stories we should be compensated. My family is idyllic. I truly came home to awesomeness in most eyes but that doesn’t mean life is grand & bless you my child shit. We all have shit we end up dealing with it. I’m laughing that you are saying eff on your blog.

    To each his/her own hun. It has depended on my blog & it’s intent. But my busymomma blog has been all me, all the time. You may need that outlet as well?

    • Adam Austyn says:

      A very scarily timely time? I must be creepy like that, haha. I dunno what the problem with the sign up form is, though. It’s the first I’ve heard of it, and I tested the one you signed up with and seemed fine. Lemme know which one totally sucks and I’ll give it a talking to or something…

  3. Therese says:

    … Huh?

    I don’t get it– so what are you saying I should do? I’m still looking for a solution here…

    Haha, JK (but you knew that!). Couldn’t agree more– I get those questions a lot, too. I like to tell people, “I’m not here to give you answers– I’m here to help you ask the QUESTIONS that just might help lead you to your OWN answers.”

    “I don’t want this site to be uplifting – I want it to be real. I don’t want it to be positive for the sake of being positive – I want it to be truth.”

    HELL yes!

    • Adam Austyn says:

      Ah man, you had me at first. I was like “oh geez, wtf?” Then realized was I an idiot, haha. And I def need better answers for those questions. Maybe I just forward em all to you 😉

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