What a [Pornstar] Can Teach You About Being Yourself

being yourselfWhat can a person who has sex on camera for money teach you about being yourself?  In this “What [Villains] Can Teach You About Being Yourself” multi-part-series-of-unimaginable-magic-and-legitness, we’re looking at the lessons that can be learned from the villains of society (I know…we’re dangerous like that).

So, what can a pornstar teach you about being yourself?  Well…a damn lot…

And maybe far more than you’d think.

Cause it’s not often someone sees anything worth admiring in women who do what they do; who make a career of sex.

And it’s no secret why, really.

People just don’t respect them.  They don’t think very much of them.  And often, they strongly, strongly object to them.

Cause pornstars aren’t exactly held up with the saints of the world as the greatest examples of how one should live their lives.

Cause apparently people who get naked and laid for money aren’t so looked-up-to in life, or all that esteemed either.

And so these women are obviously just written off as messed up girls; ones who have no respect for themselves or for those they love; who are so freaking desperate for money, and have so little dignity and self-respect that they’re willing to do whatever (or have whatever done to them) just for a few extra bucks.

As if their family wouldn’t find out.

As if it were the same as any other job or something.

As if it were okay.

But, noooooo.  It’s not, society says.  It’s wrong.  And so they’re wrong.

And people say: “They’re whores.  They’re tramps.  They’re [omg] sluts.”

“They have sex for money, and so they’re hookers.  No better.  No different.”

And, in some cases, they’re almost definitely right.  There are many who do porn simply for the money – for the rent that’s due, or for the education they’re earning, or for the child or children they’re supporting.

Like any job.

There are those who do it yet hate it; embarrassed at what they’re forced to do and the levels they feel forced to stoop simply to eat or keep a roof over their heads.

Like any job.

But we aren’t talking about those here.

We’re talking about those who love it

Those who – in a way – always dreamed about it; always fantasized about; always knew it was something they wanted to try or explore.

As weird as that may seem to you.

Those who – whether “professionals” or “amateurs”, whether done in the privacy of their own homes or on sets with dozens of crewmembers – love being in porn.

And there are people like that.  Thousands and thousands of people like that in this country alone.

And for these people – these “pornstars” – it isn’t about the money, at all.

They love what they do.  They genuinely fucking love it (no pun intended).

Cause hookers have sex for money because they need money.  Pornstars – true pornstars – have sex for money because they love sex.

And it’s as simple as that.

And no matter how weird it may seem, those women who make a career of it – who travel, and promote, and merchandise themselves – are legitimately, super-seriously, not-lying proud of what they do.

Just watch them at their award show, like the Oscars of porn or whatever…

And though you might never imagine it, or never agree with it…

…I think it’s something worthy of respect

I think it’s something to look up to, and aspire towards.

Not their actions necessarily, but their ideals.

Not their choices, maybe, but their beliefs.

Because these women clearly don’t give a shit what others think of them.

They don’t care.

They don’t care what others say about them, or think about them, or believe about them.  They don’t care that their family knows.  They don’t care that their friends know.  They don’t care that every person they have met or will ever meet needn’t do more than pop their name into Google to see them as any other person would only be horrified to be seen by a stranger.

Because they’re doing what they love.

Because that’s all that matters to them.

And because if that’s the case – if they’re doing what they love – what reason should they have to ever feel ashamed at all?

Why, exactly?

Because your objections don’t matter to them.

Your ideas of right and wrong, good and bad, holy and sinful don’t matter to them.

They have their own thoughts, their own beliefs, their own ideals – not inherited from their parents, not forced upon them by the social pressures of their peers, not taken from some book that threatens to damn them for their desires.

That they follow their own standards.

That they do what they want.

That they live how they want.

And so…do you think they care what some old dead religious text says about how they should live their lives?

Do you think, as women, they determine their self-worth by the amount of their sexual partners relative to other women, as other women do – not wanting to seem too easy, or too slutty, or too low of standards for who they’re willing to sleep with?

Do you think they care at all that what is (to them) an awesome, and freeing, and empowering thing – and exactly what they want in life – is (to others) degrading, or shameful, or evil?



Fuck no.

Do you think they feel, as you feel, any of the trillion pressures you experience everyday – knowingly or unknowingly – on how to act, how to live, who to be; that those thoughts at all register in their minds?


These are women who every day give a middle-finger to what society says is okay, or acceptable, or sin.  They’re women who are totally willing to be neglected, or shunned, or thought less of, and lose family, and friends, and privacy to do what they love without self-judgment that what they love is wrong because others think it’s wrong.

And that’s an amazingly courageous thing.

It’s a damn respectable thing – though you may disagree or disapprove of the way they show that courage and earn that respect.

Because make no mistake…these girls pay a steep price for what they love – a price in social stigma that damn near no one else is forced to pay to do what it is they love.

Cause imagine how many young men and women would become doctors if doing so meant they were disowned by their family.

Imagine how many kids would become teachers if doing so meant they would lose their friends.

Imagine how many dudes and ladies would join the military if doing so meant they were looked at as if they were trash every time they told others what they do.

And so…imagine, then, the courage it must take to become and be a pornstar.  Imagine the confidence it must take, and the belief in themselves and what they’re doing they must hold – not only to literally do what they’re paid to do, but simply to face the world at all, when the world knows what it is they do and how it is they earn their living.

Lord knows I couldn’t do it.

I doubt I’m brave enough.  I don’t I’m confident enough.  I doubt I’m so determined in my path and place in life that I could endure the World’s judgment and still say “screw you”.

We should all be so lucky to be as confident as pornstars.

It’s a rare, rare thing.  And what they do shouldn’t blind you to that.

Cause what they do is their choice, and their passion.  And in a world of a lot of fear, and in a world truly lacking confidence, it’s something not often found or seen.

But it’s something that damn near everyone could learn from.

And so…

…what can a pornstar teach you about being yourself?

How about that being yourself is more important than what others say or think.

How about that confidence gives you the ability and freedom to pursue your passions – whatever your passions may be.

How about that doing what you love because You love it is far better in life than doing what others would have you do simply because they tell you it’s better.

How about that even this villain, has something redeeming, something admirable, something inspiring.


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4 Responses to What a [Pornstar] Can Teach You About Being Yourself

  1. Udo says:

    Hah! Someone’s trying to tell me something.

    All week thus far, I’ve been getting all these messages about being myself. It’s funny I read your post the day I watch Kris Carr’s new interview with Marie Forleo. The thing that stuck out to me in that interview was when she said “Stop thinking you’re not enough” (she was referring to how people pick a role model and then try to copy them because they think they need to be like them to be successful). Kris Carr also talked about how, when she started Crazy Sexy Cancer, a family member had to be removed from her life. They wouldn’t talk to her (and still don’t) because they thought her approach to cancer was disrespectful (or whatever) when Kris was just being herself (she wanted to view her cancer differently).

    Anyway, I didn’t know you were making this series. I absolutely love it and will keep reading.

  2. Andrew says:

    Oh man, in that interview, Tori inspires me some qualities most people are sure pornstars don’t have: smart, open minded, self confident (in an awesome way), and very emotional. Loved her 🙂

    This can also be seen in a lot of the other (good and well-known) porn stars’ interviews. Most of them girls are smart and just as you’re saying, Adam, they genuinely love what they’re doing, and that’s why they’re doing it!

    I totally empathised with what you said in this article – thanks for reminding me all that!

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