As if some homes weren’t messed up enough – as if some broken homes weren’t broken enough – some mother’s just seem to, every day, make things worse and worse – through their immaturity, through their through their selfishness, by their poor judgment.
By bringing home losers. By bringing home jerks, assholes, complete and total trash….
Just the worst kinda guys – not only for them personally, but for those who they’re supposed to care for, and provide stability for, and protect from all that would make their home and lives any more chaotic, and dangerous, and unstable than they already are…
It’s almost unbelievable, really. That they’d do it; that to their homes they’d introduce such cancers, such negative influences, such losers.
Dudes who mess with their children. Dudes who mess with them.
And their friends ask them, or wonder aloud, “Why?”
Why get involved with the same kinda loser over and over; though the results are always the same; though she says she hates it…?
Why would any woman do it?
When they’re told better. When they know better. When they want better.
Or so they claim.
And yet, time after time, relationship after relationship, it’s the same trash. The same story. The same ending. Over and over. Again and again.
Like a broken record.
Except this shit has consequences. It has effects. It has an impact on children already fragile and already scarred; on her children already struggling in an unstable home, and hurting every day by the reckless behavior of the one person left in their left meant to provide for them, and care for them.
By a mother who’s not only selfishly out running around with whoever with little care or concern for them, but stupidly bringing these losers into their home as well, into the walls that are meant to be their sanctuary from the ills of the world.
It’s a stereotype…
Of the single mother still acting a child. Out all hours. Running off with whoever. Bringing home whomever.
Getting jerked around. Getting slapped around. And seemingly re-living it all day after day, man after man.
Think Gone Baby Gone.
Except that – for some – it’s no stereotype at all.
It’s very real.
Because it’s very much their life.
But that almost doesn’t even matter for this particular article. Because whether in a situation as bad as that, or simply just a regular girl, “unlucky” in love, the cause is the same, the reasons are the same.
Maybe this girl is you, then. Or perhaps a sister, a mother, a friend.
And it could be any type of guy, as well. Cause this isn’t a post about why girls like assholes or bad boys, as they say, but why they’d over and over again choose the same type they say they hate – whether an abusive dude, or just a clingy dude, or an emotionally distant dude, or whatever.
So why does it happen? Why do some continually find themselves repeating the same script, caught up with same kinda dude, that ends up the same kinda way?
“When will you learn?” people ask. “How could you put yourself through this again? When will you see that these guys are no freaking good for you?”
There’s a lot to be said…
…about a person’s self-confidence – that they would choose the kinda person that is everything they shouldn’t want; about a person’s own judgment of their self-value, and what they – in the depths of their heart – believe they are worthy of, and what little they feel deserving of.
But I think there’s something so simple, yet so easily overlooked in cases such as this. Because it goes against what any reasonable person would logically conclude…
That they like it. That she likes it.
That these men – to her – fulfill an emotional need she doesn’t quite recognize or won’t so easily admit – despite all the complaining, and tears, and “never agains“.
And maybe, just maybe, you’re the same.
“Nuh uh,” you’d say.
And yet, so would the mother in the example above.
The thing is…our conscious minds and our unconscious minds aren’t the same. And what they want and need aren’t the same either.
I’ll never forget what this one girl told me once; that would be so amazing and remarkable to me, except that I’ve since heard the same thing from others over and over again, though they never quite realize what they’re saying, what they’re admitting, in answer one of the most simple questions ever.
I just asked her: “What type of guys do you normally date?”
And these were her exact words:
“Well, my last 3 boyfriends were lazy and rude and didn’t really do anything.”
Then her next sentence was: “But I hate guys like that…”
Except that…well…you did date those guys. You did choose those guys. Those guys did win you, in a sense, when you had your option of any thousands of others, right?
Think about that.
She “hates” them, she says. Yet, who’s she dating? Almost exclusively those types of guys (we’ll ignore that I was on that date too).
It’s like she held up a sign to me: “Here’s what I respond to. Here’s what gets me off.”
Because people – like the mom who brings home trash, or a friend, sister, or you – often say they want a certain thing, like we all say we want, or like, or would like certain things.
And then – after yet another failed attempt with a guy who hurts them, hurts those they love, or ends up the same familiar way – they say: “Ah. I hate guys like this. I just want a guy like this or that or yadda yadda yadda…”
And they do.
Logically, they do.
But yet, there they are. Again. A different guy in name only. And yet the same tired results.
Because the truth is, they don’t like the dudes they’re so hopefully describing – the caring, the loving, the perfection. They don’t want the ones they logically say they want.
Cause they like the dudes they’re dating.
They like them.
And yet if you were to ask them if that were true, they’d deny it, of course. They’d say these last few have just been a certain way; that they’ve just been a bit unlucky in their choices, and in this choice in particular; that they saw something different in him at once, and see it still when he chooses to be that person.
But it’s not that they don’t want what they say they want, in the sense that you might imagine. It’s not that finding a better, more caring dude wouldn’t be the absolute best thing for them or for their children, if they have them. It’s not that a guy such as that wouldn’t give them every reason to be happy with their choice, with their relationship, with their lives.
It’s that they don’t respond to it.
It’s that they aren’t attracted to it.
It’s that what they want logically, isn’t what affects them emotionally.
And our choice of partner is always an emotional one.
It’s that, ultimately, it wouldn’t make them happy at all – as they are now, who they are now; that, eventually, though they may enjoy it for awhile, and may love him for a time, they’d feel something was missing, something not right, something about it that just didn’t fulfill them.
Because those asshole losers are what they’re drawn to, though they hate it. It’s what they’re attracted to, though they know they shouldn’t want it.
It’s what they like.
And though they almost always hate themselves for it later, for whatever reason, they want and need the emotions this guy, and all guys like him, give them – whether through the relationship itself, or from its end.
Something about it is just something they need or have come to depend on.
Whether it’s good for them. Whether it’s good at all.
The danger, maybe. The unpredictability, maybe. The strange familiarity. The pain, even.
It’s the broken in them that needs the broken in others. It’s the weakness in them that needs the weakness in others. It’s the cycle we live when we’re less than our best selves; perpetuating the situations and the people that will keep us as we are, as broken as we are.
And so without those qualities they so say they hate, they would have never chosen this loser to begin with.
In fact, they wouldn’t have liked him at all.
As horrible as that may seem, in some cases.
As sad as that may be, in some cases.
And so think of that Mom…
…or your mom, or your sister, or friend, or Yourself, or whoever continually chooses the kind of people they say they hate – the kind that eventually and inevitably disappoint them or hurt them.
You have to understand that they make these mistakes cause they like these mistakes; that despite whatever they may say about hating them, or say about changing it, there’s a part of their experience with these losers that fulfills a certain need in them that isn’t simply solved by telling them they’re “worth more than that” or “deserve better than that”.
Because they don’t want it.
Because there’s a part of these relationships that already gives them exactly what they do want.
And that’s why they make the same mistake over and over.
And so long as nothing changes in them, nothing will change with this.
Because the simple fact is…you’re attracted not to logical ideals, but to whatever it is that attracts you.
And when you love trash, you bring home trash.
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